Flash Flood

I am not normal. I have come to this conclusion upon numerous occasions. But the one I refer to today is on the subject of school starting. I loathe it. I start dreading it about mid summer. I manage to stuff it away and avoid it until about the first of August. That is when the school supply lists start coming out in stores. When my oldest two started school only a couple years apart, I did not know. I did not know that when a school year starts, you blink once and it's Christmas, twice and it's over. Then they grow all summer and outgrow shoes, jeans, and sitting on your lap, and kissing mom, and eventually they outgrow their parent's presence all together. 

So when my 3rd son John came along I knew. He was my easy going baby, affectionate all the time, hugs, kisses, momma was his whole world. When the time came for him to go to head start I held back a year. Then the time came he could attend head start and pre-k both, so being gone all day I sucked it up and tried it out. I gave him ONE DAY in both and balked. NO way was I ready for all that time and space. *lol* I did put him in pre-k but I grieved. I was so sad all the time, I went into an actual depression. Growing pains!

To fill that empty nest God gave us Jacob, my little wild child part deux. *lol* And fast forward to school years, I let him go to head start with a minimum of craziness on my part. He did well but I dreaded kindergarten. I started making noise about homeschooling, knowing that this tender little soul was not ready for the daily grind. But he was excited and I wanted him to experience it. I will make a long ugly story short for now and suffice it to say for 1st grad this year homeschool is a reality. We start next week on that new adventure.

But John. Oh my little hawgerman. We've had growing pains again this summer, him chafing for more freedom, me hanging on tighter than I should, just like when he was 4. (oh shoot I thought I cried all my tears out last night!) (sniffle sniffle blow) I thought I was going to be ok now that Jacob is homeschooling. I always get melancholy when school starts as my kids get bigger, but I think I was trying to fool myself. I've been putting off this flash flood of emotion. I've been letting it out as grumpiness or criticism. That is a nasty little flaw I have, hiding hurt behind a critical or angry spirit. Well it all came to a head last night and well suffice it to say I am surprised my swollen worn out eyes could see to get up this morning.  I had to get up last night and as forgiveness from him for my mean spirit. Heck while I was in a spirit of regret and sorry I even had to get ahold of my older wild child Cody to ask his forgiveness over hot dogs and hammers (long story). Then last of all I had to talk to my Father God and ask His forgiveness for my ugliness.  

So here we are today, 1st day of 9th grade. I know how fast these next four years will blink by. I hate it. But I hate more the regret and wasted time that trying to dam up this raging river of time brings. I will go with the flow and try to enjoy the ride. My favorite song by Garth Brooks comes to mind, The River.

 "The River"

You know a dream is like a river
Ever changin' as it flows
And a dreamer's just a vessel
That must follow where it goes
Trying to learn from what's behind you
And never knowing what's in store
Makes each day a constant battle
Just to stay between the shores...and
I will sail my vessel
'Til the river runs dry
Like a bird upon the wind
These waters are my sky
I'll never reach my destination
If I never try
So I will sail my vessel
'Til the river runs dry
Too many times we stand aside
And let the waters slip away
'Til what we put off 'til tomorrow
Has now become today
So don't you sit upon the shoreline
And say you're satisfied
Choose to chance the rapids
And dare to dance the tide...
I will sail my vessel
'Til the river runs dry
Like a bird upon the wind
These waters are my sky
I'll never reach my destination
If I never try
So I will sail my vessel
'Til the river runs dry
There's bound to be rough waters
And I know I'll take some falls
But with the good Lord as my captain
I can make it through them all...yes
I will sail my vessel
'Til the river runs dry
Like a bird upon the wind
These waters are my sky
I'll never reach my destination
If I never try
So I will sail my vessel
'Til the river runs dry
Yes, I will sail my vessel
'Til the river runs dry
'Til the river runs dry

xoxo melzie