Welcome to my little corner of blogland! This is the only sane spot I can come in my crazy life! :) Here I share my sometimes funny sometimes NOT-day to day insanity I call my life, along with my sweet wooly hubby & all our boys :)

If you have built castles in the air, your work need not be lost; there is where they should be.
Now put foundations under them.

Henry David Thoreau

Sunday, July 25, 2010

Choices

Well now lets talk about ~choices~. 

I drifted along for a very long time in my life thinking I was not making choices.  Decisions scared me.  (still do!)  Its too easy to make a wrong one and have regret.  At a point about 8 years ago I realized my life was being ruled by guilt.  Past guilt, present guilt, future guilt.  I realized it, but was still paralyzed by it.  I made the first real choice of my life it seems like, to refuse to feel guilt.  Hand in hand with that came the realization that I was allowed to say NO.  People whom I'd known my whole life were taken aback by the word coming from me..NO.  My husband struggled with my explanations, he hasn't had the guilt-free epiphany yet.  He can't wrap his mind around it.  He feels like guilt is something God puts on him when he's doing something wrong, or outside of God's will.  I told him, Guilt comes from the devil.  Guilt is feeling shame for doing something WRONG in the past.  Conviction comes from God.  Conviction is the desire to do something RIGHT in the future. 

Imagine my surprise recently with a new epiphany.  I wasn't really avoiding making choices.  I was choosing to let life happen to me.  I spent 19 years of my life waiting.  Waiting for something.  Waiting for happiness, peace, normalcy, just for CHANGE.  Then I made one decision, after graduating high school, I decided to wait.  (do you see a pattern here??)  I wanted to wait one year before going to college.  I had no real ambition, I just wanted a different life.  But it putting off the progression required to make my life different, in WAITING with the same, well then life happened to me.  I got pregnant, and had my first son.  From then on I never made another conscious decision.  I let life happen to me and REacted to everything that came along.  Another baby when I was 21, marriage to my son's father at age 24, another baby at 29.  

Then I started realizing..I'm still waiting.  Now, another baby later, I'm gathering the reins and preparing to wait no longer.  I can't wait for this one to go to school, I can't wait until the time is right.  I can't react to what comes at me next.  While my life seems to be one drama filled situation after another, I have to step to the fork in the road, I have to find a way to converge this path, of mom and wife, with the path also leading to Melody.  To me.  ME!  I'm lost and I don't know if I'd know myself if I met me :)  I'm going to school.  I'm going to COLLEGE.  I'm probably not going to find the life I'd have found at 18, but there is something.  Something more.  Not something better, just more.  Just different.

I know it will be hard, it will be tempting to give up.  I know being a stay at home mom is safe, its comfortable.  I'm not as young as I was.  But I'm a thousand times more determined.  I've went up against death itself for my kids, I am no less worthy.  I can conquer this mountain called Choice.


3 comments:

LJ said...

AWESOME Melzie!!
One of my favourite poems is this:
1. The Road Not Taken


TWO roads diverged in a yellow wood,
And sorry I could not travel both
And be one traveler, long I stood
And looked down one as far as I could
To where it bent in the undergrowth;

Then took the other, as just as fair,
And having perhaps the better claim,
Because it was grassy and wanted wear;
Though as for that the passing there
Had worn them really about the same,

And both that morning equally lay
In leaves no step had trodden black.
Oh, I kept the first for another day!
Yet knowing how way leads on to way,
I doubted if I should ever come back.

I shall be telling this with a sigh
Somewhere ages and ages hence:
Two roads diverged in a wood, and I—
I took the one less traveled by,
And that has made all the difference.
~Robert Frost~

Go Melzie and make a difference in your life!! Go Melzie go!!

A Flowered Purse said...

I am SOOOOOOOOOOO proud of you Mel!!! You are so right, we live paralyzed sometimes in fear. Then we become comfortable in where we are. I'm so happy you stepped outside that comfort zone. You will be fantastic in school.

I love you so much and again so proud of you!
Love,
Dianna

Shasta said...

What a wonderful epiphany! I wish you the best.