Welcome to my little corner of blogland! This is the only sane spot I can come in my crazy life! :) Here I share my sometimes funny sometimes NOT-day to day insanity I call my life, along with my sweet wooly hubby & all our boys :)

If you have built castles in the air, your work need not be lost; there is where they should be.
Now put foundations under them.

Henry David Thoreau

Friday, November 17, 2006

If wishes were horses...

Then dreamers would ride :) Follow up to my dream mention of my bio-father.

First some background-

My mom was 15 when she got pg with me, 16 when I was born. My bio-father was in his 20's and a married man. His wife gave birth to a son a few months after I was born. He lived in AZ my mom was from MO. There was apparently contact from him in my earliest years but obviously not in my memory.

When my mom was 19/20ish she met and got pg by my sisters' dad here in MO. I was 3 or 4, I vaguely remember it. They got married and sometime w/in all this my bio wanted to visit but my stepdad said no. (which my mom admits was the right thing, as she would have left her husband even pregnant for him). Sometime in the next 2 yrs and after my youngest sister was born, he passed away. He apparently sat down, drank until he passed out and never woke up. He was 29. My mom said the death certificate said "heart failure due to acute alcoholism". Sometime in there he divorced that one wife and married another and had another son who I've heard is biracial.

I grew up with my sisters' dad and I called him dad and still do, but its more habit than true fatherly feeling. That stopped when I was 13 and overheard him telling someone he had "two daughters". But he and my mom divorced when I was 12, and he had physically abused my mom for all those years. Sigh its complicated.

Anyways, I have no memory of my bio-dad, Gary Adams. None, and no pictures, no contact. He also had another daughter older than me. So I have a sister and two brothers I've never met or heard from. He is not listed on my birth certificate BUT I did receive SS death benefits so at least through them he is listed as my father.

When I was a teenager, defining myself I thought alot about that "missing piece" that whole other family. But in my 20s and raising kids etc its not a burning issue anymore. I am who I am. But...sometimes..I'd dream...of a man. Vague, misty dreams, I'd know he was there but never saw him full on. Until last week. Sun. night, so Nov. 12/13. I dreamed of him. I was my current age, dh was there, all 3 of my boys were there. My mom, and we were all the age we are now. But Gary, he was young. His face was mature but unlined. His hair was dark but not silver with age. And I saw his face. The face I've never seen in person, or in pictures, but now in my dream. He was smiling, he had defined cheekbones. He had hair like mine, thick and shiny but his was more defined curls. His was almost shoulder length, no bangs. He was not tall, about 6 inches taller than me. And I was in my dream saying to my dh "this is my dad, Gary" and was stumbling over the unfamiliar words.

When I woke up it was almost with regret. But it also woke up those feelings of who, what and where? So I talked to my mom some more, told her of the dream of course. She cried. I did some looking and found out that his name is not on my birth certificate. I want his death certificate for starters. Because now I am wondering did that date I dreamed that mean something? What does it all mean? Who knows, I'll pray about and leave that with God. :)

So thats my story if you read this long bless your heart LOL. xoxo melzie

sweet kid artwork to share today :) Posted by Picasa

7 comments:

Susan said...

I'm sure it means something - either because of your buried feelings, or because of some effort at communication from the other side. I wonder if he really looked like in your dream. Was there an obituary with photograph? Does your mom have a photo anywhere? I wonder what you could find out. Was he in the military?

Anonymous said...

Praying you may one day have answers. Love the art work! *Grin*

Susan said...

My older son used to always say, "If wishes were Porches, then beggars would drive." =)

How you doin' today?

Jenni @ Fairybread said...

That's a story and a half Melzie. Why not find out some more stuff about him?

Anonymous said...

Your story leaves me wanting more...please let us know if you find out anything else.

I love the car! That would make a cute quilt!

LauraJ said...

Freaking bloglines! I haven't gotten updates from you in ages. Was wondering where you were all at.
For your wonky quilt block, you could just cut bigger strips of the piece that's too thin and just resew it back in. It doesn't look that complicated... but then who am I kidding?
I was adopted, I have been in contact with my bio mother, but never my bio dad. There's always that little part of me that'd like to know who he is, what does he look like. I'm not overwhelmed by it, just a couple times a year I'll sit and think about him.

Shelina said...

Melzie, sorry about reading your post so late, but I was touched by the story of your bio dad. There are things you can do to research this.
1. Call the library where he died and see if they can't get you a copy of the obituary.
2. Contact the health department at the state where he died to get a copy of his death certificate.
3. If you are willing to pay for it, you can get a copy of his social security application. It will probably have his writing, his signature, his parents names.
4. If you know a name of the school he attended, you could try them to get a copy of his photo from the yearbook.