**reality vent warning below**
The last two days I've felt very much in a funk. I've learned alot about myself in the last few years the most defining thing (and shocking) is that I get depressed every year. Not always the same time, or season, or duration. But inevitebly depressed. The first real year I noticed it was PPD with Hawger. (March 02) I mean like a YEAR of PPD. SEVERE PPD. Not psychotically severe but nonetheless horrible. Then the next summer Lovey had elective surgery to augment his bladder and reroute his bowel. The dr said "oh it will be about a week long hospital stay." He had the surgery in July. He didnt walk again until September. INTENSIVE therapy, weeks in a wheelchair, more weeks with a walker, months before his stamina and spirit returned. Then when it was all said and done I got depressed. I blamed stress.
Then 2 November's ago Lovey's shunt to drain his cerebral fluid stopped working. We are 2 hrs from the Children's hospital. Ok, we called them ,said we are headed up there. We got about halfway and he had progressed to unconciousness. Had to call 911 from the interestate, got directed to a very VERY small hospital about 2/3 from the Children's hospital (lost cell service for about 20 min. OMG the most stressed of my LIFE), he had to be life-flighted the rest of the ways. From Nov. to mid. Jan he was life-flighted that one time, ambulanced about a month later when the shunt stopped again, and then developed a nasty hard to treat shunt infection that took 3.5 wks in the hospital to treat. 2 hrs from home. When all of THAT was said and done I was not only depressed but added anxiety to the mix. Took about 2 mos.
Then last year, about November again, for no outward stressful reason I got depressed again. From about Nov. til about March I was in pure misery. (and was everyone around me). Fog finally lifted. Which brings me to NOW. I am much "higher strung" than I use to be. Not only from the stresses of an adhd child, special needs child, mentally disturbed stepson (who just moved out in May) and my mom (whole nother story we wont go there) who just moved out in June) and money problems, relationship problems with other family members on and on and on and on. So the past two days I've been in a funk. And now I am scared. Is it starting? Is it going to lift? Am I going to be a prisoner for a day, a week, a month, a season?
And no I dont get medication. I have no insurance. All that brings me to say
~prayers please~ and *thanks for reading :/
And now a foto to make you smile after all that heavy mess :)
Fraser man smiling for the camera LOL. He is such a good dog lately I guess I'll let him stay a bit longer. Hope you have a great weekend!
Gratitudes:
writing, to get my feelings in order
hostess chocolate donuts
sunshine
fall in the air
xoxo melzie
6 comments:
UGH... I know this won't "help" but the Rx for depression (several) did not work for me... Just time & a lot of lying around doing nothing... I know how you feel, but I also know that there isn't much that I (we) can do otherwise, you would have done it already.
Melzie, you need to get help for this. You need to talk to someone. I don't know where you live, but somewhere around you must be a place you can talk to a psychologist on a sliding scale for payments. If you are low income you can probably find one for free. There is also assistance for medication if it turns out you need it. If you don't take care of your own health you can't possibly be there for your children the way they need you to be. Don't be ashamed of calling social services to find out what is available. That's what they are there for. Depression is impossible to fight on your own - as you have learned. You have already lost too many months of your life to it. Believe me, I speak from experience. I've had to get professional help twice - both times free or very inexpensive because of a sliding payment scale - and it made all the difference in the world.
you certainly have had a rough time over the years. I haven't dealt with depression so i can't offer any good advice but please take care of yourself and if there is anyway you can get some help, take it.
(((Hugs to you)))
Please get medical help. Have you had complete blood work up? Lots of physical problems like thyroid inbalance effect our mental health too. For some people, medications work wonderful for depression. There is also behavior modification, life style changes like diet, exercise, and relaxation. No excuses. Call today and see a doctor.
I agree with the good advice already offered. Don't just let it overtake you again. I'll be holding you in my thoughts -- be sure to stay in touch here!!!
Jeanne
Melzie - this is the 21st century - get some help girlfriend! My Nana had such bad PPD after she had my Dad that she went to bed for at least 6 months - could have been even a year. My aunt had to take my Dad. No-one really understood depression in the mid 1920's. The doctors know so much more now and I am sure that there is more than one option. Know all your options so you can make an informed, educated decision about your health and happiness.
Cheers!
Evelyn
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